Discover Your Inner Kink
If you look up the word “fetish” in the dictionary the first definition of the word is “a form of sexual desire in which gratification is linked to an abnormal degree to a particular object, item of clothing, part of the body, etc.”.
Fetishes aren’t new and actually go way back. It was popular in the 16th and 17th centuries in France, and West Africans used the term generally to refer to objects or amulets. In 1887, they were first officially documented. In the 19th century, fetishism took on a broader meaning as “an object of irrational devotion or reverence”. By the 20th century, the meaning changed again, and the word fetish became more sexualized and involved objects or body parts, like ear lobes.
Fetishes Can Be Broken Down into Four Main Categories
Most people immediately go to whips, chains, and handcuffs in their minds, when they think of fetish, but a fetish is definitely beyond that and can embrace all kind of sex. To help you understand fetishes, it’s best to break them down into four main categories.
Bondage (hard or soft) revolves around domination and submission and can lead to BDSM (Bondage Domination Submission and Masochism). There are usually safe words in case someone becomes uncomfortable or feels unsafe. This is an activity best done with someone you trust.
Role play which allows you to include a bunch of different fantasies. The term role play is hard to narrow down. This could be as simple as playing nurse and patient to dressing as a cop and arresting your lover for a crime, or even having an affair.
Dressing up may seem like role play, but it’s all about the clothing. Yes, French maids and secretaries garb (short skirts, glasses, cleavage revealing blouses, etc.) are a common fantasy and outfits that people might dress up in, but lingerie, a fancy lace bra, and even a netted, crotchless bodysuit can also fall into this category.
And lastly, would be your turn-ons, which are the most important factor in any fetish. There are no rules when it comes to turn-ons or sex, except to do what’s comfortable to you, best honest with your partner, and don’t be afraid to try new things. Fetishes can fixate on body parts (boobs, butts, legs, and beyond) and can involve props, like shoes and lingerie.
No fetish is actually common, but there are popular ones. Anything can become fetishized. Let’s say your man likes to dress up in a white Navy uniform (aka a choker) like Richard Gere wore in An Officer & a Gentleman and act like he’s in the military—this is a fetish called uniform fetishism. In comparison, a pure fetish would be something that must be present for you to get off. Let’s say it’s a woman’s shoe, and your partner might play with themselves, while they hold it, smell it, taste it, or rub it. Or, your partner might ask you to wear it or use it during sex.
A few years ago, AskMen.com revealed the Top 10 fetishes and they are:
- Foot Fetish: AKA a fixation on the feet.
- Voyeurism: Who knew watching was a fetish.
- Latex: And by latex, they mean clothing, not condoms.
- Domination & Submission: Let’s play master and servant.
- Body Piercing: Being attracted to someone with piercings and even sucking, licking or tugging on their piercings
- Breasts & Behinds: Yes, these can be a turn-on, but a fetishist could be obsessed with one or both parts.
- Hair: It can be the type like brunette, jet black, blonde or redhead, how they wear it (in a ponytail, etc.) or pulling someone’s hair.
- Cross-Dressing: Men liking the feel of a woman’s panties so much they like to wear them or a woman putting on a suit or men’s clothing, acting as the alpha.
- Water, Thunder & Lightening: This can be as simple as being turned on by rain and the intensity of thunder. If it’s too dangerous outside, opt for a thunder box or a sound machine.
- Furries: You’ve seen them on Entourage or CSI, and they’re sometimes the butt of jokes on popular TV shows. Furries are actually within the realm of cosplay, since both fetishes involve costumes. Look for communities on sites like Fet Life, if this is your fetish—that way, you can dress up in your favorite furry animal costume without judgement. Some furries never dress up, but they like to masturbate with the aid of stuffed animals. Both groups of people you might see at large conventions around the country or even the world, like Comic Con or Fetish Con
What Is Not a Fetish
If your partner likes to see you in high heels during sex, that doesn’t mean he or she specifically has a shoe fetish. In a Vice article from about two years ago, they interviewed one of the world’s leading furry researchers who claimed furries aren’t a fetish.
A fetish can be something you’re obsessed with that’s not even sexual. Buzzfeed covered 32 not weird, non-sexual fetishes you might have. They included being a cynophile (lover of dogs/canines), autophile (someone who loves solitude or being alone), Potterphile (someone who loves Harry Potter books and movies), Londonphile (a person who loves England’s capital city), or a discophile (a person who loves vinyl and is a record collector).
Some people will tell you a fetish isn’t something you like—they will say it’s something that specifically turns you on. And, it’s probably not something you learned watching 50 Shades of Grey or Secretary. In that case, it would be more like a desire or something you want to try. So, what is or isn’t a fetish can be left open to many interpretations.
How Can You Bring Fetish into the Bedroom?
Unless you’re a pro domme or a highly experienced kinkster, you might be at a loss about how to bring fetish into the bedroom. You definitely want to start small and work your way up to the bigger stuff. Fetishes can add a lot of excitement and bring something fresh to your relationship.
Head to the kitchen and grab something as simple as plastic wrap. If nipple clamps, handcuffs, and more extreme bondage items seem scary, this is a good one to start with. Have your partner stand up with his or her arms to their side and wrap them up, but not too tight. Then, maybe up the sensation by giving your girl some great oral or your man that BJ he’s been dreaming about.
Maybe your man is into feet. Put on some fishnets or stockings and run your feet all over his body, and even massage his balls with a little pressure (but not too much). Remove your hosiery and then put his erect penis between your feet and let the sex games begin. Let fetish become the new foreplay.
The sexy stranger is always a safe fetish and a pleaser for many couples. It can be as simple as pretending to bump into each other at a bar, like you’re meeting for the first time, and taking your lover take you home like it’s the very first time you’ve been together. Or you can even make a reservation for a hotel room and meet each other in the lobby for the first time and decide you should hook up. You also get many more ideas along this realm from watching Secret Diary of a Call Girl on Showtime. They have an episode where the protagonist Belle engages a client’s fetish in sploshing (getting messy with food).
Maybe your guy is into dressing up and leather. Put on that tight, short Catholic school girl skirt and pair it with some boots or go the extra mile and get some tailored fetish gear like a leather corset, or even a latex halter dress or empire skirt paired with your sexiest bra. Stores specializing in fetish wear, like Stockroom, have become more consumer-friendly, even though they offer the real deal in everything fetish. They have retail stores with experts to help you find the perfect outfit or you can go anonymous by shopping their online site.
Or perhaps you just want to dive right into and show your partner some kinky fun. Handcuff him or her to the bed and gently put a blindfold over their eyes. Just take charge! Or your partner can do this to you, if you fantasize about being submissive. If you decide to dive right in always remember communication is key and you might want to have a discussion of what is and is not OK for this type of arrangement.
How Can You Tell If a Partner Has a Fetish or Kinky Interests to Try Out
Everyone has fetishes and fantasies, and they want to feel safe discussing them with the special person in their life. If your kink isn’t dangerous or involve children or animals, you can explore them with your partner, if they’re open to the idea.
Last year, Bustle did an article on this very topic. The had six indicators and they are:
- They try to figure out how you feel about fetishes.
- They mention different fetishes and gauge your response.
- They refer to a fetish as “interesting”.
- They suggest watching a porn that includes that fetish.
- They mention they’ve tried it, but kind of joke about it. If you are appalled by it, they might say “they’re kidding”.
- They just come right out and say it.
Fetishes can be an amazing way to bring something new to the table in a relationship and can open up your relationship on a sexual or deeper level, in general. You should never feel ashamed or embarrassed of a fetish. It’s just part of who you are, and what makes you tick. You could have realized your fetishes date back to when you were a child, you were introduced by a former partner, or they just one day popped up as an adult. Whatever the case may be, accept your fetishes and explore them when you can. If your partner isn’t accepting, you may have to investigate them on your own.
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