Hey Jenn, So my girlfriend doesn’t like sex toys, but I do. I want to be able to introduce toy play with her and get her to experiment with them. We have a pretty good sex life, but I really want to spice it up and she sort of looks at sex toys as fake sex or that they are bad in some way. She’s very open otherwise and we have pretty kinky sex, but all toys are a huge no go in our bed. I don’t know what to do, so I thought I’d see if you had some helpful advice or tips. Thanks for your time, Gary K.
It’s not uncommon for both women and men to have issues with sex toys. Some men, for example, look at sex toys as a challenge to their masculinity and take real offense to their significant other wanting to have them brought into their sex life. Your girlfriend may have these sort of feelings as well and she may be questioning why you might want them or wondering if she may not be enough for you.
Or your girlfriend’s aversion to sex toys could come from several other things, such as: cultural beliefs, religious beliefs, or even some sort of traumatic experience – like maybe she had a sex toy when she was younger and got caught with it and was shamed by the experience. If that happened, then it’s understandable why she would maybe feel uncomfortable with them which is causing her dislike of sex toys.
So, first off you need to find out why she has such strong feelings against using them. In a gentle and encouraging way try to get her to open up about the real reason she doesn’t want to allow them into her intimate time with you. If you can get her to open up, and once you understand the “why”, you can slowly work on getting her to see sex toys in a whole new light. You may want to seek the help of a relationship counselor as well who would be someone that you can both freely speak with and can offer unbiased advice to you both.
As an adult, it’s obviously harder to break some of the beliefs we’ve grown up with. What makes it perhaps easier is that as her partner you are being encouraging, not pressuring her, but instead allowing her to explore sex toys as an added feature to your sex life and not a replacement for anything.
As long as she feels comfortable and not threatened, you should be able to slowly introduce sex toys into your sex life. Let her be the one that choose them and let her be the one who dictates when, where and how she wants to try them. If she has control over the experience, that too can be very rewarding and empowering for her. All of which will make your experiences more fulfilling as well. You can even buy sexual wellness and personal “massagers” in your local pharmacy. They are usually in the same aisle as the condoms and lubes, check out: Trojan Vibrations Ultra Touch or look at what Walgreens offers – Sexual Wellness Vibrators & Adult Toys. Since these can be easily found in a local corner store, that may be a non-threatening way to shop together.
Hoping you feel the buzz soon –
Do a Google Search and see if there is an adult toy store with good reviews in your area. If you find one, choose a day where you can go together and look at what’s available. Some stores also encourage couples to come and they have staff who is available to help with any questions. The days of dark and creepy adult stores is over and most have shifted to being much more welcoming especially to couples who wants to visit. If there are none, then here are a few links you might want to check out together: